“The performance tanked for me once I had around 70 ostriches” is my new favourite negative Steam review of all time

Edwin gave Ostrich Farm header honours in this week’s Maw, and with good reason I think. “Breed vibrant ostriches”, he wrote. I misread it as “breed violent ostriches” and got excited. I still liked the concept even after realising my mistake. I pinned the Steam page tab (aka “The Coward’s Wishlist”), and forgot about it for a couple of days.

This morning, I clicked on the tab again while browser tidying. “I wonder how Steam likes the ostrich game?”, I mused. One review. A single, negative review. “The performance tanked for me once I had around 70 ostriches and made the game totally unplayable”.

I have questions, but I’m mostly just now more intrigued about the true nature of the ostrich game. Is this a normal quantity of ostriches to have in Ostrich Farm, or did the player implement some sort of rampant Muskoid breeding schedule? The maximum number of ostriches shown in a screenshot is 42 ostriches. It does not seem unreasonable to ask for 28 more.

I picture a single vibrant plume fluttering down to land on a fried motherboard, the air alight with dust-mote delicate feather fragments and the smell of singed components. How many ostriches must someone have before their world collapses in on itself, is not a line from Blowin’ In The Wind but probably should have been.

I cannot rightfully say that the ostrich game deserves better because I haven’t played it yet. One may argue that an ostrich game that cannot bear the weight of 70 ostriches has no right calling itself an ostrich game in the first place. Still, I feel many of the world’s problems could be solved if more people realised that if 60 ostriches do not bring one happiness, it’s very likely the extra ten ostriches will not improve the situation.