I’ve heard things, Microsoft, and I think I’d rather die. About Windows 11, I mean, although there’s also that other stuff. Instead, I’m choosing to escape to the one place that hasn’t been corrupted by enshittification: the past (moon’s done for already). Actual human immortality is due to launch by Q2 of 1999, and then all I’ll have to do is upload my soul to HeavenX. This means I’ll miss both the UK TV debut of The Sopranos and Roy Walker’s final episode of Catchphrase but, eh, swings and roundabouts.
But, wait, there’s anomalies in the system. Typical millennium shit. You know how it is. To fix them, you’ll need to enter cyberspace and play with guns and cards. HeavenX bills itself as an FPS deckbuilder but stands out through 1. Exactly the kind of break beats I like writing to 2. Looking like the inside of your eyelids might if you pressed your fingers into your eyes for a bit after staring at a screensaver for three hours. You bet your sweet Roy Walker’s final episode of Catchphrase I’m down. I couldn’t find a trailer so just look at these cards with me for a bit.
If you fancy it, you can jump into a playtest right now on Steam. If not, please enjoy learning about the following attractive and fulfilling features:
- Equip cards to adjust any aspect of your experience.
- Truly limitless buildcrafting that creates space for all kinds of skill expression.
- Experience a soul-crushing simulation of 9-5 employment at a megacorporation.
- Interact with your coworkers via instant messaging and email within a fully functional virtual environment.
- Find out the truth.
- Enjoy endless mode, story missions, and challenges for a gameplay experience tailored to your tastes.
- Track build effectiveness using live notifications of procs and triggers tied to your loadout.
- Comprehensive graphic breakdowns of player metrics and stats upon completing a run.
Customised notifications, you say? Does Windows 11 have those, Microsoft? I don’t know and I pray to god I never have to find out.
