RPS asks: please tell me your stupidest Oblivion Remastered anecdotes so far

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Remastered, I’m delighted to report, is still incredibly stupid. How stupid? This stupid. I first noticed its stupidity in the starting dungeon, where one of the emperor’s guards got shunted around floatily trying to contend with a jug I’d placed in his path. It might be even stupider than the original RPG, because it all looks so modern that its mush brain is thrown into sharp contrast.

Me? I’m fresh off getting Rallus and Antus Odiil killed by goblins. Actually, scratch that. They got themselves killed. Actually, scratch that as well: Oblivion got them killed by spawning a fat gaggle of eight new goblins in the middle of their family farm even after both Rallus and a quest notification shouted triumphantly about how we’d killed all the goblins. He uttered some victory cry or other to the effect of “we won” and then immediately charged into the fray and got himself gob-swaggled. His brother was already dead. I had to sprint back to town away from the horde. I thought they’d given up but as I was checking on my horse, I saw that three goblins were now charging at the town gate.

The guards saw them off, but I had to bring the news back to an inconsolable Valus Odiil. He’d have to spend his money on burials now, so couldn’t give me anything. I would have been angry, but since he’d sent me to help his two sons get rid of some farm goblins, and he now owned zero sons and a farm full of goblins, I suppose it was fair enough. I think this is the second quest I did. Long live the Oblivion mush brain, and RIP the Odiil brothers. I’d say you were real ones but you were milkshake-thick malfunctioning Disneyland animatronics with the thin souls of Tartarus escapees running roughshod through your circuitry, and that is just wonderful. Please, spin your yarns for me to sup on. I’m out of traditional liquids. I only drink yarns now.